Reward Money...Take 1 step forward, 2 steps back

Well, I was suprised to find out when I looked at the front page of the Davie County Enterprise today that the reward for information leading to the arrest of my brother's murderer has been increased. The governor approved a $5000 addition to the reward that a family member of mine posted the week following my brother's death. We have heard rumors that they may be close to making a connection in the death of my brother. Occasionally, people ask me about whether or not his killer has been found and how I feel about that. That's really a difficult question to answer. For me, the damage is already done, so it is difficult for me to really care if the person is identified/found/charged/convicted. I am not really a revengeful person so it is not in my nature to want to seek punishment for this individual. Also, so much of the circumstances of the situation seem unreal to me because I didn't see them happen. The killer is nameless and faceless. Would I, or will I, become more interested in the person's conviction if I know who he was or put a face with the crime? I don't know. That remains to be known. I am sorry that the individual is so "messed up" and that his life took the direction that it did. I am so hurt and saddened that my brother is gone. I miss him and I am sorry that he never got to fulfill a lot of his hopes and dreams. On the other hand, my brother was right where he needed to be and did what he knew to be the right thing at the time. My brother always said that he would do anything for anybody and I could give you countless other examples of how he always did go the extra mile for people (anyone, really!). It was difficult to see this info in print today though. It is like a healing wound being re-opened. Part of grieving about a loved one's murder, unfortunately, involves hearing news about the situation via the media. We relied on the news channels for updates on the case in the days following his death, some people that know my brother or our family found out about his death via the media, today I find out about the reward by reading the newspaper, and I think that it is definitely possible that one day I will open the newspaper to find that an arrest has taken place or that the investigators know who committed the crime. That won't be fair and it will hurt, but I will personally not be surprised if this happens. God will lead me through this process and He will see me through to the other side. I know that I am already more understanding and empathetic of other people's pain and sorrow and I will be able to listen and, hopefully, help others get through difficult times in the future. I have said before that I can't imagine what I am going to have to experience "next" in order to grow in Christ. I guess we really don't want to know...but God tells us that he will never give us more than we can bear (1 Cor 10:13) and I cling to that.

On a more positive note - I want to share something that each of my children said today...

Elijah said in his 2-year old language in reference to his Easter candy: "No-No (Elijah-speak for Nolan), I will share with you.

Nolan said "I think the reason that I am so smart is because I ate so many Smarties when I was little."

FYI - Nolan, at age 5, has his 1st girlfriend (her name is Claire) and he has invited her to come to our church's Spring Fling next Sunday afternoon. Her mother has agreed that she can attend the Easter party with us. Stay tuned for further info!!