Anyhow, I just read this book called Turning the Paige by Laura Jensen Walker and in chapter 20 there are parts that are so accurate for how you feel right after you lose someone close to you. Here are a few lines that I could really relate to - (I'n replacing all the original lines with brother since that's who I lost)
"just think. He went to sleep and woke up with Jesus," one of the ladies from church said when she called to ofer her condolences. "Hold onto that. It will give you comfort." It does give me comfort I'm happy that my brother's with Jesus, but what about me? I'm still here. And I can't imagine a world without my brother in it.
How can the sun still be shining? How can kids be playing? And how can people be going off to work every day as if nothing happened? Don't they know the world has changed and will never be the same again? It's as it the earth has shifted on its axis and everything is a little off.
I went through the days in a fog. I couldn't bring myself to do anything other than the basics.
The grief rolled over me in waves. I'd grieved when ______ died too, and it wasn't ny less because we'd known he was dying and had time to get used to the idea. Grief is grief - no matter how prepared you think you are for the person's dying. The difference there was, I was able to say goodbye. I never got to say goodbye to my brother.
Like the neighbor who said, "time heals all wound. Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning." I'll give you a shout in the morning, and it sure won't be of joy. Marc said, "I know they were trying to be kind, to say something that would help. But it would have been kinder to be silent. People who haven't lost someone they love don't have a clue."
"You wonder how things can go as normal when it's not normal that the person you loved is no longer here," he said. You want to share something with them, but then you remember that you can't. Or you go to call and tell them something funny, but then you realize they're not there to answer the phone anymore."
I'd grown tired of always _____________, but when he left, if was the only thing I wanted to do.
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She hit this subject head on. These are exactly the kinds of feelings I had after Michael died. I couldn't (sometimes I still cannot) imagine a world without my brother in it. I felt like the world should have stopped along with me when Michael died. How could people just go on about their lives like nothing had changed? Didn't they know that EVERYTHING has changed? And, people, well intentioned though they may be, made all kinds of comments that hurt much more than they helped. When you are grieving, you don't want to hear that everything's going to stop hurting eventually. You don't want to hear that it will get better. Of course, it is nice to know that people are thinking of you and that they are there for you if you need them but what you NEED is for your loved one to be back and NO ONE can make that happen. I'm being honest when I say that I would get angry at some of the things people woud say to me...it's not that I was angry at the people...just angry because we, as humans, just don't have the words or the ability to take the pain of grief away. I still have moments when I think of something that I want to tell Michael or I remember something that he and I experienced together and I want to talk to him about it because, of course, he's the only one who would "get it". I think the hardest time for me is if I'm upset and can't sleep at night because those were the times that I used to call my brother since he was always up at night. It's also very hard for me when the boys do something that I wish Michael could be here for or that I could tell him about. He loved my boys so much and I try so hard to convey that to them, but they will just never understand how much he loved them and all the things he could have taught them. There's just a gap there that I and no one else can fill.
I wonder - where would my brother be if he were alive to be 29 today? I'd like to think that he would have met some of the goals that he had for himself. I'd like to think that he and I would be really close and able to talk to each other as freely as we did when we were young before life happened and worldly things got in our way...
I can't wair to see my brother in Heaven one day...
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